Thursday, December 31, 2015

Nitpicking predictions for 2016

As I contemplate a year that started off looking like 1968, as I recall describing it in its infancy, I believe its successor will embody the political madness that was 1972—but even crazier. Well, as they say, bring it on.
I have a few predictions to make before 2015 A.D. goes into the great folio of time that resides in God's attic. In fact, as many as there are months in the year.
1. Black Lives Matter (Only When White People Are Involved) will attempt to form a third party just after the new year to compete against the Democrats and Republicans, neither of which the cop-killing advocates particularly trust. In-fighting breaks out, however, in February when one of the pasty, pimply, fat white guys in the group, who fancies himself a hero for embracing self-hatred, uses the "n-word" in what he thinks is friendly company and an affectionate manner. The Black Panther-types at the meeting disagree. The third party bid disintegrates.
2. President Obama decides to try to give New Mexico and Arizona back to Mexico in March after claiming that a discussion with James Polk's portrait convinced him that Polk harbored regrets about the Mexican-American war. Congress will ignore the executive order trampling states' rights and crow instead about how great the highways provision of the December budget was.
3. In April, Joe Murray will make a surprise announcement that he and Nickelodeon have agreed to an updated series of Rocko's Modern Life. In the pilot episode, Rocko will discover porn on the internet and have his Twitter account hacked.
4. On May 5—hopefully by which time I will have acquired my British citizenship—voting will take place for London mayor. Conservative Zach Goldsmith will be the victor and on his first day in office, he will put the kibosh on the third runway at Heathrow in favor of a second one at Gatwick and rid us entirely of these illogical arguments in favor of Heathrow expansion.
5. In June, Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe gives a speech on gun control, citing the urgent need for it given that a possible Republican presidency is just half-a-year away. On his way down the steps of the Virginia State House, McAuliffe is shot by a crackpot with a crossbow, narrowly missing his heart, but is listed as stable by doctors at the Virginia Commonwealth University Medical Center.
6. In July, President Obama will declare July 4 "Inclusiveness Day" as opposed to "Independence Day" because being independent "is not who we are". White House Spokesperson Josh Earnest will say that the President respects American traditions, but thinks that the word "independence" gives the wrong impression about government and thinks that fireworks sound too much like guns.
7. In August, student unions across the country announce that no students will be attending their respective universities come autumn because the notion of attending a special campus for the purposes of higher education is an elitist, racist, sexist, heteronormative macro-aggression against all the people who have never gone to college. Colleges start offering courses for only $100 each per semester to try to increase matriculation.
8. Billy Joel will be asked to join loony-Left Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn's rag-tag team of misfits after a group of them take his anti-'Keeping up with the Joneses' song "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)" a little too seriously at his London concert in September and mistake Joel for a Communist. Joel will shrug and say that he cannot expound on politics.
9. In October, Iran announces it plans to use some of the $7 billion it receives from sanctions relief to form a space program with Russian and Chinese assistance. Iranian president Hassan Rouhani says that it is vital that Iran establishes a base on Mars first to prevent the Western infidel from going there. Imams worldwide claim that Mohammed willed that Muslims establish a galaxy-wide caliphate. ISIS responds that space is too scientific and is therefore banned and various Sunni Muslim leaders issue fatwas against the state of Iran and the International Space Station.
10. In November, The Co-op Bank, having already suspended the accounts of the Cuba Solidarity Campaign and Palestinian Solidarity Campaign, will face intense pressure to cut ties with any Wall Street investments after Donald Trump is declared President-Elect. Jeremy Corbyn will spearhead a pressure group. The Co-op will resist, dismissing it as nonsense.
11. On November 7, British prime minister David Cameron calls Donald Trump to congratulate him on his victory in the American presidential election. Trump tells Cameron that Britain can have the state of Delaware if he can level the city of Manchester and build a golf course there. 
12. In December, Russian president Vladimir Putin invites President-Elect Donald Trump to Russia to go shirtless and ride horses across the shoreline of the Caspian Sea. Trump tells reporters that he declined Putin's offer as it sounded "a little too faggy". Putin laughs it off, saying that this is what he expected of the new American leader, but Trump tells Putin he can have half the oil takings once ISIS is defeated to show there are no hard feelings.
Happy New Year, mes amis!

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