Thursday, March 25, 2010

Open letter to Jamie Oliver

Dear Jamie,
You recently had a tough time of things in West Virginia. Folks there gave you such an ass-whuppin' over your healthy eating campaign that you broke down in tears at a press conference. They don't understand why you're there or what you're doing, you complained.
You will recall that preaching healthy eating to children in inner-city London schools didn't go down a treat either. You put yourself in a vulnerable position and you got pinned to the mat by these insouciant youths. They considered you no better than one of their teachers.
Overall, people don't really take too kindly to being preached to by a millionaire. Don't forget, you're also the face of a supermarket. People don't want to be lectured to by big business either. Yes, I know that's an unfair connection to make—and no doubt Sainsbury's did well to recruit you, even if you have had the odd tiff with them. In fact, I'm thinking that you ought to return home and do some more television commercials for them; the chain just reported their smallest growth in underlying sales in five years, having been hammered by promotional and price campaigns waged by their rivals, Tesco and Asda. That's one difference Sainsbury's doesn't want to taste. [Dear reader, click on this if that joke is lost on you.]
But, Jamie, in all seriousness, you're trying to appeal to a population of moo-moos. West Virginia is an Appalachian state. They're quite patriotic and believe in their God-given right to consume the equivalent of the annual Nigerian GDP in food every day. These people take the phrase "fat of the land" very seriously, and for them this healthy eating and lifestyle campaign is the work of long-haired Commies who, of course, are working in league with the black helicopter brigade just waiting to kick down their doors and take their rump roasts and T-bone steaks away.
The fact that this un-American drivel is being propogated by a cocky Londoner doesn't help either, Jamie. It's only a matter of time before they start turning their hunting rifles on you. You ought to think about adopting a south-of-the-Dixon-line drawl. It might buy you more credibility. Just say you think everyone ought to be healthy enough to enjoy their guns and breed large families and they may just listen.
Of course, not to worry. I'm sure Obama-care, the most recent law of the land, will sort everything out. Talk to every medical practitioner you can find. When these people start signing up for health insurance, or face punitive action if they don't, you can have the points of your campaign rubber-stamped on to the insurance requirements. Talk about taking America by storm, Jamie!

Best of luck,

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