Putting the *sigh* in "asylum seekers"

Remember last autumn, mes amis, when "Syrian migrants" began their takeover of footsore march into Europe? Do you recall how we were told by everyone from Angela Merkel to Pope Francis that we had a duty to accept them into our communities? Does it ring in your memory the pleadings of Bob Geldof, Richard Branson and Benedict Cumberbatch to take a war-weary refugee family into your home so the warmth and good tidings of Britain could be shared amongst all?
Well, gee willikers, get a load of this story. Apparently, these poor battle-scorn babes-in-the-woods have been terrorizing their host families. A foster carer was attacked by a 16-year-old Afghan—my understanding of geography tells me Afghanistan is quite some way from Syria—who was posing as twelve. In another case, a teenager sexually assaulted another foster carer.
Tory MP David Davies cited an ever-growing report on dangerous refugee "children," noting that "one asylum seeker was even looking at jihadi websites and child abuse images".
Ah, these asylum seekers. They're just barrels of fun, are they not? The British offload by getting blind drunk and getting into fights with wheelie bins and traffic bollards. The refugees rape women and get involved with child porn and white slavery, all the while planning jihad against the host infidels. It's just a different culture, don'tcha know. Who are we to criticize?
According to the article:

According to official guidelines, authorities should only treat an individual as an adult if two officials think they look "significantly" over 18 and there is "clear and credible documentary evidence".

So that's alright, then. Yea! 
There is "clear and credible documentary evidence" that this whole asylum-seeker/refugee program is a farce and that it needs to be ended ASAP. Perhaps if Prime Minister David Cameron had a pair, he'd have told Europe that the migrants were their problem and that Britain was under no duty to take any in. We have enough trouble with the "Jungle" in Calais to invite any more of this. But, no, Cameron busies himself with saving face with Europe instead and wanting to be "good". If you can prove to me that Cameron is an Edmund Burke-style conservative, I'll sashay around Soho at midnight on a Saturday in a ballerina's tutu.
Oh wait, I might be sexually assaulted by a migrant. Perhaps not.