Monday, September 3, 2007

"You don't bring me flowers ... (and I'm glad)!"

OK, this makes me very inclined to keep my distance from any man that I do not know well. I do so anyway, but now I actually have a valid reason besides my usual anti-social misanthropy.
A survey by the Society of American Florists reports that 60 percent of men would like to receive flowers on Valentine's Day, or as a thank-you or general I-love-you type of gift. I'm sorry to sound so prejudicial, but that's quite a bit too candy-assed for my tastes.
I wonder how many of these men would also like to don a tu-tu and prance around a maypole? I'd be interested to know. Hell, if you are a guy and admit to wanting flowers, then I guess anything goes.
The survey was conducted on American men. Which tells me that the percentage of men who want flowers here in England, throughout Europe or in Canada is probably much higher. Men are becoming emasculated, and this is the proof. First, they started wearing earrings, and then pink shirts. Then they started getting highlights in their hair. Now they want flowers. Great. I can hardly wait to see what the latest trend will be.
Don't get me wrong. Flowers are great. A meadow of wild flowers swaying in a gentle breeze is one of nature's finest creations. And flowers on a woman's desk always looks attractive. But if anyone, including my own wife, gave me flowers, I wouldn't know whether to be insulted or sardonic. I'd probably flutter my eyelashes—what little eyelashes I have, that is—extend a limp wrist and go: "Oooh! Why thaaaaank you! My oh my! Mmmmm!" And that would be my reaction if I was in a good mood.
I even told my wife about it, this puzzlement I feel at flowers for men. She didn't share my bewilderment. "Oh, don't be such a macho prick," she said. Actually, she didn't. What she said was a lot more tactful, but that was the larger point I took from her. This is something I just cannot bring myself to understand, no matter how much thought I put into it. My brain just announces DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE everytime I throw the flowers-for-men argument at it. My cranium seems irrevocably hardwired into accepting the formula: flowers + men = WTF?!
Long story short: Flowers for dudes? No. I just can't picture it, anymore than I can picture Vinnie Jones jazzercizing in a leotard.
Hmmm, come to think of it, I wonder how many men wish they'd receive leotards?

3 comments:

kristen said...

Laughing my tail off.

Didn't know that 60% of men actually wanted to receive flowers. (And I think you're right about Europe's percentage being higher). Wouldn't they rather give them? Doesn't their joy come from giving flowers and seeing the reaction of their loved one?

I can just see it now: cubicles and offices filled with flowers. I think there's something weird about that.

Men are becoming more and more pansie-like. Not good. The world would be a better place if men would just be men and women would just be women.

If I were to give a boy something for Valentine's Day, it's not going to be flowers.

Nightdragon said...

I've always enjoyed giving flowers. Buying them for a woman, be it a colleague or my mom, sister or wife, is always a lovely experience. But receiving them? Excuse me while I go throw a skirt and high heels on and apply some mascara and rouge -- then I'll be ready to accept the flowers, lol!

Thankfully, despite this apparent desire for flowers among men, I have yet to see a man's desk adorned with flowers. I hope I never do. I wouldn't know whether to laugh uproariously or run like hell.

John Dent said...

It entirely depends on what kind of flowers they are.
I'm more worried about things like changing sexual and relationship tastes than what someone wants as a present.
~~Tusk